I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
