If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
