i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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