Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
