I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
