If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
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