The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
