The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
