I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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