where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
