My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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