There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
