Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
