how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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