guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
