Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
