All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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