i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
