did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Someone came in the potted fern
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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