the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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