Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We have so much sex to catch up on
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
