You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
