Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
