Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
