Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
