If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
