why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
