She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
