If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
