She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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