He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
