Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
