Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Randomize
