Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
