I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
