I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
