All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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