if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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