Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
