Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It was confusing and full of hummus
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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