new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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