i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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