Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my phone needs a breathalizer
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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