Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
did you just send me my own nude
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
