I didn't shave. On purpose
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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