Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
