i just sent this text using only my big toe
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
These tits shall not be calmed
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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