Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
