you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
