Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
